Imperfect World
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Husbands
Lately, I've been a little fixated on what I don't like about life. From frustrating medical professionals, to the irritating little things my spouse does, and you know what? It has just made me feel and present myself as a boring, negative, cranky person. So even though stuff will still bother me, I'm doing my best to look at the brighter side of life.
My husband is really a sweet guy. He works all the time (he teaches high school band) so at times, I feel a bit like a single parent without the financial stress. But he tells me he loves me at least five times each day, he makes sure I know how much he appreciates me taking care of our lives while he works, and he supports me in everything I want to do in life.
How many other women have that type of love? And after being together for 11 years, how many husbands still hold "saying I love you" as a top priority?
Life will never be perfect or easy, but I sure do have a great life with this guy. And I'm so excited that our son has the chance to grow up knowing what a great and loving father is, 'cause I want our son to grow up to be that for his own kids too.
My husband is really a sweet guy. He works all the time (he teaches high school band) so at times, I feel a bit like a single parent without the financial stress. But he tells me he loves me at least five times each day, he makes sure I know how much he appreciates me taking care of our lives while he works, and he supports me in everything I want to do in life.
How many other women have that type of love? And after being together for 11 years, how many husbands still hold "saying I love you" as a top priority?
Life will never be perfect or easy, but I sure do have a great life with this guy. And I'm so excited that our son has the chance to grow up knowing what a great and loving father is, 'cause I want our son to grow up to be that for his own kids too.
Labels: love, marriage, optimism, positive thinking, romance, work
¶ 2:16 PM 0 Comments
Friday, February 16, 2007
Taking way too long
I've been calling my infertility specialist's assistant/secretary for three days now, always leaving a short, friendly message that I need to set up a consultation appointment with my doctor. I only just got a call back today, and when I told her that we were interested in setting up the consult before going to any IVF seminars, she said she'd have to get back to me.
I know that this guy is busy. I think he works at two offices here in the Twin Cities. He's reknowned around, at least, the midwest, so I know his time is valuable (isn't all of ours?). I just want to sit and talk with him for 15 minutes. Crazy idea, I guess. And I'm already sensing that he'll have loads of free time when my sweet husband will be in Brasil, and not before then. I just want to set the appointment and forget about all this stuff for a month or two.
I'm beginning to agree with my husband's barber (from Egypt or around there) who thinks we Americans have life backwards. We rush and rush, making sure we have and do all these crazy things, but then act surprised when we don't have any close friends or when our families fall apart.
I know that this guy is busy. I think he works at two offices here in the Twin Cities. He's reknowned around, at least, the midwest, so I know his time is valuable (isn't all of ours?). I just want to sit and talk with him for 15 minutes. Crazy idea, I guess. And I'm already sensing that he'll have loads of free time when my sweet husband will be in Brasil, and not before then. I just want to set the appointment and forget about all this stuff for a month or two.
I'm beginning to agree with my husband's barber (from Egypt or around there) who thinks we Americans have life backwards. We rush and rush, making sure we have and do all these crazy things, but then act surprised when we don't have any close friends or when our families fall apart.
Labels: fertility, frustration, time, waiting
¶ 2:04 PM 0 Comments
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Frustration
I am the first to admit that I only do my best at what I feel is important.
ie. I make sure my dogs are trained enough to comfortably live with, but they will never be waiting for me to give them a command before they act. My beagle thinks that is just fine, and she'll just go ahead and keep "cleaning up" the food that is within her reach.
On the whole fertility subject (before I'm able to give it up, I need to get things off my chest a bit) we have finished another unsuccessful attempt at getting pregnant. While there are a whole slew of reasons this try may not have worked, I am so frustrated that this was the ONLY time our nurse went to find a doctor to help.
For anyone who hasn't gone through a fertility treatment (or infertility treatment, which is more appropriate, I guess) a woman starts out with a vaginal ultrasound to see what her ovaries are doing. Then medications are administered, usually by herself or her spouse/partner, and her progress is monitored with frequent visits and ultrasounds. When her ovaries seem appropriately stimulated, a drug that initiates ovulation is administered. Two days/ 36 hours later, she and her spouse/partner go in for an insemination. It's pretty simplistic here, but the hormonal influx and scheduling challenges really make life insane.
We did all that, and I am so upset. Before we started the infertility treatments 3 years ago, tests found that I had a tipped uterus, which is within a normal range for the placement of a uterus. This tipping does cause a curve in the cervix as it enters the uterus. Pretty basic stuff. After my pregnancy two years ago, my cervix also apparently got longer. I don't understand that part, but it was also known prior to starting this series of attempts.
After all this knowledge about the challenges my body was presenting, I still had only nurses doing the actual inseminations. The first time, I thought the nurse was going to cry because she was having such a tough time getting the tubing to pass through into my uterus. She finally found a more experienced nurse to take over, but I think she had botched it before then. The second time, the same inexperienced nurse did the whole thing, and said it was tough but went well. The third time, we had a very experienced nurse, who after she had two attempts, she said this was too difficult. She actually went to find a doctor to do the insemination! Hallelujah that there is actually someone who put the importance of the procedure before their own ego.
I know in some jobs, having an off day just means that you didn't finish everything, or that a few customers went home without the best service. But with the fertility part of the medical profession, all treatments are expensive and the emotional toll the process takes on patients is excruciating. We go in soon to discuss this last series of attempts with our doctor. I can't wait for him to tell me that I should have gotten pregnant, because I have a pretty strong argument as to why I haven't.
ie. I make sure my dogs are trained enough to comfortably live with, but they will never be waiting for me to give them a command before they act. My beagle thinks that is just fine, and she'll just go ahead and keep "cleaning up" the food that is within her reach.
On the whole fertility subject (before I'm able to give it up, I need to get things off my chest a bit) we have finished another unsuccessful attempt at getting pregnant. While there are a whole slew of reasons this try may not have worked, I am so frustrated that this was the ONLY time our nurse went to find a doctor to help.
For anyone who hasn't gone through a fertility treatment (or infertility treatment, which is more appropriate, I guess) a woman starts out with a vaginal ultrasound to see what her ovaries are doing. Then medications are administered, usually by herself or her spouse/partner, and her progress is monitored with frequent visits and ultrasounds. When her ovaries seem appropriately stimulated, a drug that initiates ovulation is administered. Two days/ 36 hours later, she and her spouse/partner go in for an insemination. It's pretty simplistic here, but the hormonal influx and scheduling challenges really make life insane.
We did all that, and I am so upset. Before we started the infertility treatments 3 years ago, tests found that I had a tipped uterus, which is within a normal range for the placement of a uterus. This tipping does cause a curve in the cervix as it enters the uterus. Pretty basic stuff. After my pregnancy two years ago, my cervix also apparently got longer. I don't understand that part, but it was also known prior to starting this series of attempts.
After all this knowledge about the challenges my body was presenting, I still had only nurses doing the actual inseminations. The first time, I thought the nurse was going to cry because she was having such a tough time getting the tubing to pass through into my uterus. She finally found a more experienced nurse to take over, but I think she had botched it before then. The second time, the same inexperienced nurse did the whole thing, and said it was tough but went well. The third time, we had a very experienced nurse, who after she had two attempts, she said this was too difficult. She actually went to find a doctor to do the insemination! Hallelujah that there is actually someone who put the importance of the procedure before their own ego.
I know in some jobs, having an off day just means that you didn't finish everything, or that a few customers went home without the best service. But with the fertility part of the medical profession, all treatments are expensive and the emotional toll the process takes on patients is excruciating. We go in soon to discuss this last series of attempts with our doctor. I can't wait for him to tell me that I should have gotten pregnant, because I have a pretty strong argument as to why I haven't.
Labels: best effort, fertility, frustration, infertility, professional
¶ 3:22 PM 0 Comments
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Fertility Patience
Okay, so the hubby and I have been going through fertility treatments. The same treatments brought us our two year old son, so we know that they can work. The medications, this time around, seemed to make my body react more quickly. But we are, again, waiting on our third-try lab date to find out if this worked. I'm just frustrated and impatient (and moody).
I was raised by a very matter-of-fact mom in a Catholic home here in MN. If that doesn't mean anything to you, it was a environment where you learned not to put too much hope in the best outcomes, because 1) they don't often happen that way 2) you don't really deserve them and 3) you might just be asking for trouble.
So I hold onto the reality that fertility concerns are more an issue of cosmetics. I will not die because this treatment didn't work. We already have a wonderful son who is healthy, happy and intelligent beyond his years. No matter what happens, there are always children right here in MN who would love to be adopted into our happy (if not quirky) home.
So today, I hold onto the hope that I will have the gift of being pregnant again. I honestly look at all the wonderful blessings we enjoy each day. I thank God for our challenges, because they help us to appreciate what we have, and make us more empathic/sympathetic towards those dealing with challenge in their life. And I wait. And I learn that life passes by quickly enough without wishing days away. And I wait.
And I try to find more and more things to keep me BUSY so the waiting is not the most difficult thing in the world.
I was raised by a very matter-of-fact mom in a Catholic home here in MN. If that doesn't mean anything to you, it was a environment where you learned not to put too much hope in the best outcomes, because 1) they don't often happen that way 2) you don't really deserve them and 3) you might just be asking for trouble.
So I hold onto the reality that fertility concerns are more an issue of cosmetics. I will not die because this treatment didn't work. We already have a wonderful son who is healthy, happy and intelligent beyond his years. No matter what happens, there are always children right here in MN who would love to be adopted into our happy (if not quirky) home.
So today, I hold onto the hope that I will have the gift of being pregnant again. I honestly look at all the wonderful blessings we enjoy each day. I thank God for our challenges, because they help us to appreciate what we have, and make us more empathic/sympathetic towards those dealing with challenge in their life. And I wait. And I learn that life passes by quickly enough without wishing days away. And I wait.
And I try to find more and more things to keep me BUSY so the waiting is not the most difficult thing in the world.
Labels: challenge, difficulty, fertility, infertility, patience, thankfullness
¶ 3:41 PM 0 Comments
